2008. október 6., hétfő

These tales of our stay... or walk away

I came to realize today that I should have a new start. I've been thinking lately. I've been thinking about relationships. Not that male-female love kinda relationship. It just doesn't exist in my life, that kind of love. I'm surrounded by all sorts of "szerelem" but I don't have it. For a long time. And I think I'm just not ready for that yet. I have so much love to give away that now it is more like similar to a flooding river that has no barrage. I cannot control myself. I wanna hate so badly. I need to build up that barrage otherwise I'm gonna float towards something that doesn't really seem reassuring. And when it's done, I can have that kinda love.

I reached a level today when I finally got it. It hit me on the chest so badly that it literally hurt a lot. We are so desperately attached to each other that even though it might not work we still can't let it go. My friend, who has been really going through a tough time and has got such great lessons to learn, said something to me last Saturday. We were in a bar, sitting at the bar. I've hardly done that. I'm not that sorta person sitting at the bar. I guess it really gives the urge to talk about serious things. Like bars are for open up. Sitting on a bar chair with crossed legs towards each other is a must for everyone to discuss great issues of life.

And we did. With great vine, lots of laughs, precels and bar tenders running around. We crossed our legs towards each other, whatsoever that means in body language dictionary, and we talked.

I was hurt. I was hurt so badly by two persons. I've become the obvious and invisible someone for a couple of people, I just don't matter anymore. And by that, I became obvious and invisible even for my own self. Maybe it happened so long ago, and it just took so much time for me to realize that I lost myself in those all around me. Who am I? Am I really just an object that has some functions which is lavishly used by people who I love? Is it really who I am? I wasn't like this. I keep thinking about it, and rolling it over in my head that: where and when did I became like this, like this tool that I devastatedly feel right now?

I used to be so strong and selfish maybe, and stubborn and adored, funny, important and independent. I was free from everybody and everything. I was the queen of my whole universe and I loved myself. I used to be a leader kind... and I got humble like a slave who sometimes start a one-woman revolution. But as we all know from history, small revolutions usually are meant to be beaten down. I have been beaten down by my own attachment. And they changed nothing but me. One day probably I woke up that I turned into this current myself who I pity and hate from the bottom of my heart. If only I knew the exact day when it happened just to see when I should have stopped it. Because this me is weak, oversensitive, full of fears and worries, chained, used, not appreciated, and like a circus clown does do jokes to make others entertained even at any price. Even by making jokes of me without realizing that with laughing at myself I give the legal rights to others to do so. I'm hurting myself and I realize it but I feel like it's my job, my duty, my obligation. Obviously they think if I don't give a shit about my own feelings why they should be the ones to care. Yeah, like the old wise men would say: You, my child, became your own worst enemy. You're the only one to blame. And they would be absolutely right.

I'm no Christ, but I certainly sacrificed myself for something that's probably not worth it. Not the concept, I mean. I believe in the concept of love, friendship, making sacrifices, I believe in all these magical words that give you glory. I believe in glory by the way. The thing that really matters in these concepts is that who you live through them with. And here's that one true moment when that friend shared that lesson of hers taught by a buddhist leader.

There are billions of relationships, and billions of attractions. Between friends, lovers, relatives, animals and their owners.Can be phisical, can be emotional. Some of these relationships and attractions are meant to be majestic, like parents and their child, or friends who'd do everything for each other, or two lovers who really become one, a dog and its owner who are family to each other. They can be pure, a whole, can be perfect. On the other hand some are just meant to destroy. Destroy ourselves, or each other, or the other relationships in our tini tiny milieu. Either way we are led by some higher power then tide to each other by different invisible bonds. We just don't know how it ends. We never can be sure about this. We wanna make the possible best out of it and we fail to see where the beautiful struggeling of a great relationship ends and where the painful fight of a fatal one starts.

I think I just stepped over the borderline. I have more pain in my heart than the sweet memories of the joy of the last years. I feel like I'm so lost in the forest of all desires and needs that I don't know anymore what I want. I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I wanna be. I would wanna go to a psychiatrist, a woodoo wizard, a group therapy, or just lay down on my mom's shoulder at that same time. I would like to become a jew, a christian, a buddhist, a kabbalist at the same time. Just to find the way. Even though I know they would help to loozen up but not to find the way back to myself.

Maybe going to Prague is the best thing that can happen to me. I tend to believe it now.
Maybe it'll help to let some people go. Not phisically but emotionally. Maybe it's time to tear those labels down of their back. There are no need to have a best, and a bestest and the most bestets. I need friends who can offer themselves for me just as I offer myself for them. Those I have to let stay. And some I have to let to let me stay. And some have to let me stay. The rest should be released. In my head, by my will, either with love or with hate. But the two together seem deadly. Love and hate for the released ones will disappear anyway.

In my class reunion, when we all finished talking about the past 10 years and what's ahead of us I felt fabulous. They made me feel fabulous. I wanna get back that moment because somewhere inside I know I am. I just can't find it right now.