Haven't written a thing a while. I know. Let's put it this way, I haven't really had anything to write about. Or if I have had that might have been all those complaints of how I haven't felt good here. I've been through some serious bullshit and believe me when I say bullshit. Because it is bullshit. No beginning-no end whining about how I've missed out on so many things and how I can't seem to find my way back into my own life. It's like the path I'm walking on takes me somewhere I might not wanna go. Because it feels like just a big fucking by-pass. I feel I'm wasting my time here. And instead of this pushing me forward to something which contains the word "further" it has just dragged me down into an apathy I apparently cannot climb out of.
I so cannot find my place in this world right now that I jump into such things I don't have the knowledge or the patience or the passion for. I bought a photoapparat but I haven't used it since. I wanted to be a photographer but just right in the moment I payed for the Flexaret I gave all my enthusiasm to the lady with my money. I realized that even though I have good eyes for all beauty or shoking I still don't find the will in my finger to turn the shutter or whatnot on the machine. It just disappeared and even though it'll look good on my shelf 5 years from now, still what was the purpose behind that action? Expecting salvation from something I already wanted to do years ago and at that time I lost my enthusiasm just as I did now?
Being here is lesson I never wanted to learn yet looks like I needed to experience. If I navigate my memory back on these 5 months to find one single happy moment here I would fail. First of all my brain wouldn't work because that apathy grabs it with iron-hands therefore lazyness seems painless, second of all because even if I ignored that iron hand I wouldn't be able to find a moment like this anyway.
Someone said that the main problem is that we came here with a decision already had been made: we won't love it. Which is not true. I came here with the very safe and effortless decision: Let's not make decisions, just go with the flow. That flow is not really a flow but more like a flood. Taking me here and there but keeping me drowning.
Anyway the reason why I'm writing now even though I have nothing to write about is that someone said I may write good in english. So here it is something I enjoyed writing even though it doesn't really make any sense. Just like my life here so far.
I so cannot find my place in this world right now that I jump into such things I don't have the knowledge or the patience or the passion for. I bought a photoapparat but I haven't used it since. I wanted to be a photographer but just right in the moment I payed for the Flexaret I gave all my enthusiasm to the lady with my money. I realized that even though I have good eyes for all beauty or shoking I still don't find the will in my finger to turn the shutter or whatnot on the machine. It just disappeared and even though it'll look good on my shelf 5 years from now, still what was the purpose behind that action? Expecting salvation from something I already wanted to do years ago and at that time I lost my enthusiasm just as I did now?
Being here is lesson I never wanted to learn yet looks like I needed to experience. If I navigate my memory back on these 5 months to find one single happy moment here I would fail. First of all my brain wouldn't work because that apathy grabs it with iron-hands therefore lazyness seems painless, second of all because even if I ignored that iron hand I wouldn't be able to find a moment like this anyway.
Someone said that the main problem is that we came here with a decision already had been made: we won't love it. Which is not true. I came here with the very safe and effortless decision: Let's not make decisions, just go with the flow. That flow is not really a flow but more like a flood. Taking me here and there but keeping me drowning.
Anyway the reason why I'm writing now even though I have nothing to write about is that someone said I may write good in english. So here it is something I enjoyed writing even though it doesn't really make any sense. Just like my life here so far.
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