We are sitting at a table in a restaurant. Nothing special in it, it's just an ordinary restaurant. I cannot even sense the patterns on the wallpaper, pictures on the wall, the order of the tables on the floor, the order of the chairs around the table. It's just a restaurant including all the normal features that kinda place requires: bar with wine glasses hanging upside down, beermugs surrounding the beer dispensers worshipping them. Dozens of all different kinds of beverages, a shelf with cigarettes. That's all that matters to me right now. Alcohol and cigarette.
I'm smoking. One cigarette after the other. I'm drinking vodka. I hate vodka, I do. Every time I drink it clear shiver runs through my spine, and not the good kind. But as I hate the state I'm in, I thought this loathed drink would be the best entourage for the night.
The waiter put the other double just right before me. I'm slowly pushing it away with the two fingers that hold the cigarette. I'm moving it towards the ashtray inch by inch with that sweet curly fume heading straight up to the ceiling. I want the ashtray and the glass to be next to each other. I want them to be best friends. I want them to bond, while I'm deepening way too down in my useless agony. They have to hold me together later on anyway. Sweet tools of my cure. Because I'm sick. And I'm in pain.
I'm doing everything with one hand. Every extra move is bothering me. My left arm is resting on my lap. With my whole left side I'm leaning against the edge of the table. That's the pose of a broken person.
- This is no good - she says drawing a circle with her hand above my sacred triangle. My trinity, she is talking about. And she is saying bad things about it. The word Blasphemy pops into my mind, but then I immediatelly feel that'd be exeggaration, almost ridiculous. I'm looking at the table. With the ashtrey in the middle, the glass just right next to ashtrey, and my hand holding the flaming cigarette right in front of and in-between them. this round and smooth piece of wood seems the island of peace. What can possibly be no good with that? I'm staring foolishly at that hand that just drew that circle. Maybe I don't wanna see her face. We are not good friends. Not even friends. I don't even know if I have friends. She is just someone who I like and who was willing to come with me to this featureless restaurant with the typical features.
Doing it is inevitable, I know, so I lift my head up and turn it towards her. Looking at her face is something new. There's nothing on it. No pity, no empathy, no fun, no joy, no warmth, no coldness. Nothing, totally emotionless. Soft and empty face. Doesn't really feel bad, just different. She is not faking like the people I know. But then again she knows nothing about me. I don't think there's room for feelings towards someone who she knows nothing about. She is just not that kinda. I like that. This way I can fake being emotionless. I seem slightly pathetic, I know, but that's not an emotion. That's a state and this thought all of a sudden warms me up. Rather being slightly pathetic than seeming utterly sad. I'm looking at her face, relaxing my eyes totally, I want that smooth, emotionless face to be blurry. Because the eyes, I cannot risk the eyes. I might not be able to handle the emptiness in the eyes. I feel too sorry for myself inside not to give it a try, and play for some understanding from her.
-What do you mean it's no good? What's no good? - of course I know what she meant. But I have to somehow form a conversation. The words about my misery aren't in rush that much to come out of my mouth. Fuck, why is it so hard to throw my feelings upon her? This sucks, almost as much as when I'm at a public loo standing above the toilet with crooked knees trying to pee. It might not be clean, it's uncomfortable, it's so strange that even though I almost pissed myself just minutes before, I still cannot let it flow. Still, I have to relax my mind, my muscles, it has to come out, I have to let it go.
- The chainsmoking and the shitloads of vodka, I meant. - The hand takes a round in the air again. Oh that gesture annoys me so bad. Feels like I'm at the doctor with a gross infection on my skin that he does not touch but draws circles around it explaining the disease with his pen in his rubber gloves on.
Fuck, she talks like I'm some kinda alcoholic, grey-skinned 50 year old smoking chimney, who cannot lead a normal life without the usual portion of cheap vodka and 2 packs of Black Death a day. Maybe I'll end up like that. Isn't hard to picture myself this way right now.
Maybe this time I can start, I can say that 3 words out loud. Come on, just take a deep breath, don't give a shit about what she thinks, just split it out. It can't be so hard. Oh God, I'm so longing for someone even with the fake emotions, someone who I got used to. Just to suck upon the smallest chance of getting some courage. Ok, I straigten up as much as I can on my chair. I look into her eyes to... nothing. That's what I was afraid of. I cannot fucking pee.
I'm smoking. One cigarette after the other. I'm drinking vodka. I hate vodka, I do. Every time I drink it clear shiver runs through my spine, and not the good kind. But as I hate the state I'm in, I thought this loathed drink would be the best entourage for the night.
The waiter put the other double just right before me. I'm slowly pushing it away with the two fingers that hold the cigarette. I'm moving it towards the ashtray inch by inch with that sweet curly fume heading straight up to the ceiling. I want the ashtray and the glass to be next to each other. I want them to be best friends. I want them to bond, while I'm deepening way too down in my useless agony. They have to hold me together later on anyway. Sweet tools of my cure. Because I'm sick. And I'm in pain.
I'm doing everything with one hand. Every extra move is bothering me. My left arm is resting on my lap. With my whole left side I'm leaning against the edge of the table. That's the pose of a broken person.
- This is no good - she says drawing a circle with her hand above my sacred triangle. My trinity, she is talking about. And she is saying bad things about it. The word Blasphemy pops into my mind, but then I immediatelly feel that'd be exeggaration, almost ridiculous. I'm looking at the table. With the ashtrey in the middle, the glass just right next to ashtrey, and my hand holding the flaming cigarette right in front of and in-between them. this round and smooth piece of wood seems the island of peace. What can possibly be no good with that? I'm staring foolishly at that hand that just drew that circle. Maybe I don't wanna see her face. We are not good friends. Not even friends. I don't even know if I have friends. She is just someone who I like and who was willing to come with me to this featureless restaurant with the typical features.
Doing it is inevitable, I know, so I lift my head up and turn it towards her. Looking at her face is something new. There's nothing on it. No pity, no empathy, no fun, no joy, no warmth, no coldness. Nothing, totally emotionless. Soft and empty face. Doesn't really feel bad, just different. She is not faking like the people I know. But then again she knows nothing about me. I don't think there's room for feelings towards someone who she knows nothing about. She is just not that kinda. I like that. This way I can fake being emotionless. I seem slightly pathetic, I know, but that's not an emotion. That's a state and this thought all of a sudden warms me up. Rather being slightly pathetic than seeming utterly sad. I'm looking at her face, relaxing my eyes totally, I want that smooth, emotionless face to be blurry. Because the eyes, I cannot risk the eyes. I might not be able to handle the emptiness in the eyes. I feel too sorry for myself inside not to give it a try, and play for some understanding from her.
-What do you mean it's no good? What's no good? - of course I know what she meant. But I have to somehow form a conversation. The words about my misery aren't in rush that much to come out of my mouth. Fuck, why is it so hard to throw my feelings upon her? This sucks, almost as much as when I'm at a public loo standing above the toilet with crooked knees trying to pee. It might not be clean, it's uncomfortable, it's so strange that even though I almost pissed myself just minutes before, I still cannot let it flow. Still, I have to relax my mind, my muscles, it has to come out, I have to let it go.
- The chainsmoking and the shitloads of vodka, I meant. - The hand takes a round in the air again. Oh that gesture annoys me so bad. Feels like I'm at the doctor with a gross infection on my skin that he does not touch but draws circles around it explaining the disease with his pen in his rubber gloves on.
Fuck, she talks like I'm some kinda alcoholic, grey-skinned 50 year old smoking chimney, who cannot lead a normal life without the usual portion of cheap vodka and 2 packs of Black Death a day. Maybe I'll end up like that. Isn't hard to picture myself this way right now.
Maybe this time I can start, I can say that 3 words out loud. Come on, just take a deep breath, don't give a shit about what she thinks, just split it out. It can't be so hard. Oh God, I'm so longing for someone even with the fake emotions, someone who I got used to. Just to suck upon the smallest chance of getting some courage. Ok, I straigten up as much as I can on my chair. I look into her eyes to... nothing. That's what I was afraid of. I cannot fucking pee.
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